thinkin...

seeking significance...

doubting faithfulness...

desiring closeness...

seeking understanding...

chasing dreams...

keeping afloat...

fearing disaster...

challenging self...

claiming independence...

longing for hope...

needing purpose...

am i enough?

do you think i am beautiful?

Do you think I am beautiful?

What a crazy question…

I’ve never felt like the beautiful one, the most attractive, or the one that others take a second glance at…I’ve blended in quite nicely. I didn’t break any mirrors or anything. This question though, is haunting me today.

I’m reading a book called “do you think I am beautiful” by Angela Thomas.

“Sensible women like you and me survey life and figure out how to make the journey with the least possible heartache. We insulate ourselves for maximum protection in the event of a fall. We isolate ourselves from risk to guard against failure…and so I have spent way too many years standing around the edge of my life trying to convince myself that I do not want to be Cinderella. I have concocted a few lies to make life hurt less and then forced myself to live them.”

What lies have I told myself that I am now living? Where am I guarding myself so as to protect myself from risk or failure? How am I insulating myself and not opening myself up…making myself vulnerable? Loveable? Intentional?

Do I think I am beautiful? No. I know I am self conscious about my tummy…and my thighs and arms need some attention, too…but I don’t think I would use beautiful to describe myself…

I’m fun! I’m available. I have a lot to offer. I have a servant’s heart. I’m confident. I am silly. I love to laugh and love to laugh with others. I’m flexible. I’m creative. I’m a thinker, an analyzer. I love to study, read, and process thoughts and philosophies. I love to listen to others and assist along the way anyway possible. I love music and how it can define a moment, an experience or an emotion. I love to create it, emulate it, or simply enjoy it. I love to create, period. I love my family and being a significant member of it. But am I beautiful? I may have moments, but it definitely isn’t a word I would use to describe myself.

What does my heart of hearts long for? What is it I crave? What is it I desire the most? What am I most passionate about?

…to be known deeply.

…to be understood

…to be heard

…to make a difference

…to matter

…to be real

…to be available

…to engage life expectantly and with an unstoppable passion

…to truly live

…to love truly, madly, deeply

…to see through God’s lens

...to live in the center of my life and not on the fringe

...to be true
...to myself
...and to others

how am i doing??
am i doing it?!
am i chasing after my passions?
nah...
i would have to say i am surviving most often...not living.
i want to get after it. go get life! live it up! love it up and down!
i am coming out of a year long funk...
taking better care of me
remembering me and my own needs, desires and passions...
i want to embrace all that God has for me, in every moment.
me as a mom...as a wife...as a friend
but most of all...as a kim!

i know God has created beauty within me...i want to discover it, cultivate it, explore it and live it out loud...

i'm a big girl now!!

i finally took the leap...
i started my own blog...
i am looking forward to an electronic journal.
journalling is a great way to think, debrief, and dream.
here's to being a "big girl" now...
i look forward to it...whomever may join me in cyber-space