my life in marysville

hey, blog.

it's been a few weeks, but i'm checking in because i don't want so much of this experience to blaze by without documenting it somehow.

here's the long list of feelings i can recall at this moment in time...

...fear (that no one would show up at our first service or that we'd forget something or fail somehow)
...excitement (dreams coming true and all!)
...disbelief that we were actually starting
...grateful (god has been providing in some pretty incredible ways...almost unbelievable)
...heavy hearted (god brought diane into my life...more on that next blog)
...unsure (where will this crazy adventure take us???)
...soul searching (trying to redefine myself as a lead pastor's wife, mom, and friend in the m-ville)
...lonely (no friends, beyond the family...enough said)
...exhausted (crazy times...up late and up early...all for a wonderful great cause and great to see our efforts have been worth it)
...meaning (i have found meaning again...gift set meets need...how i've missed the ministry part of things...thank u, jesus)

so much has been sacrificed. so much has been given. so much money has been spent. so many conversations have been had. so many tears have been cried. so much sleep has been lost.

if we had the chance to do it all over again, i know we would. we'd probably tweak a few things we have learned along the way, but it has all been worth it. when people actually showed up to our carnival, and more importantly, our service, our hearts nearly beat right out of us...somebody felt prompted to show up...and come back, again...and again...and again. we did something right. we were allowed to be used.

thank u, jesus. it feels so good again. how i've missed it.
more to come...

~kim

:(

sad face.
that is all i can muster.
after years of dreaming,
months of planning,
and weeks of preparing,
Easter has come and gone.
it was a wonderful weekend.
but it has drained me dry.
i am out of energy and it shows.
i can't muster the energy to get out of bed,
to go get my coffee...
to eat,
to engage,
to smile.

to smile?
if you know me at all, you know that is strange.

i have much to celebrate.
a wonderful husband,
fantastic kids,
depth among friends,
a free car,
a dream coming true,
a beautiful home,
love

so...

why the sad face!?

:(

would love to be able to wrap that up in a tiny little package and tell you, but
life isn't wrapped up in neat or tiny little packages.
it's just plain messy.

a little overwhelmed by the messy, today.
finding a lack of tools in which to tidy and clean it up.
so i return to bed.
a comfort so sweet.
and i will try again tomorrow.

meanwhile,

:(

i love this quote

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.


If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

late night thought

what will the new year bring?

2010

hmmmm...

the usual "lose weight" and "get organized" are high on my list...but they are every year...

instead of seeing this as a sign of defeat, i will see it as the do-over for the list i want to check off.
i have a clean slate.
i can start anew...again.
re-do.

my hopes for this plan include more exercise in general, but

...walking with mike
...zumba!
...jumping rope
...just being more active, in general

let's see how we do this year...

here's hoping!

Love is Risk

an old margaret becker song…never for nothing:

You cried alone by the window - Over the love that you lost - You gave it all - Never counting the cost - Rain like tears beat on your window - Melting your heart to the floor - No love returned - And now you have less than before (It’s)

Chorus:
Never for nothing - When you love with no return - It’s never for nothing - Light your candle in the darkness - Cause it’s never for nothing

Your friends say you’re the fool - For loving with nothing to gain - But they can’t see the reward - That you’ll claim - So hold on to the holy promise (that says) - No labor of love is in vain - Precious tears are changed to jewels - In the rain


i had a great conversation with a friend last night that reminded me of the fact that no love is gained without risk or without cost. i have hurt others and have been hurt by others, but love runs deep in my life. i’m so grateful for the risks i have taken…and even the hurts i have survived. thank you for those that have loved me well and have loved me in return. i am reminded that loving is never for nothing…no labor of love is in vain.

i believe this to be true...but i don't always FEEL it to be true. i FEEL like i give, and give, and give and have to continually ask for what i need in return...but to no avail.

i'm tired of loving with nothing in return.
i'm tired of loving.
i'm tired.

i have risked for love and have come up empty handed today.
that's the risk.

hoping for the courage to love again tomorrow.

interesting...

i have found myself in a very interesting spot.
i have jumped ship.
i have stepped out of the boat.
i have taken a leap of faith.
i am "balls out" as some would say.
it is a scary place to be but a bit exciting, too.
i am definitely one who jumps first and asks questions later, but not when it comes to financial security.
i have four little people to think about now.
i cannot jump completely without thinking of those that depend on me, too.
i have baggage. not bad baggage, but baggage nonetheless.
i have to think sometimes before i jump and that does not come natural to me.
so...about that interesting spot...
i am looking for work in a place that is familiar, but in an arena that is not.
i can be a professional, an activist, an assistant, a counselor, a director, a coordinator, an event planner, a salesman...
but what do i WANT to be?
good question.
not sure i know...
and that is the interesting spot...

family is a funny thing

why is it that our family,
our place of origin,
our foundation,

the family that
changed our diapers,
fed us,
and clothed us

the ones that taught us
to talk,
read,
and to relate...

the family that has spent
money,
time,
and energy raising us

can know so little about us?

can hurt us so deeply?

can cut us to our core?

gross.
not cool.
ugh!

i now create family.

i have learned what i need.

i have treated friends the way i wish my family would treat me.

i love them well.

i celebrate who they are.

i take good care of them.

i like the family i have chosen to surround myself with.

i hope they feel loved, too.
because i love them very much.